Why High-Achieving Leaders Are Too Hard on Themselves (And How to Change It)

Maya Gudka, Executive Coach - on Safari

As an executive coach working with senior leaders, I've noticed a pattern: the most successful people are often the harshest on themselves. They'll tell me they're incredibly supportive of their teams and friends, yet maintain impossibly high standards for themselves. But research shows that people who are harsh with others are usually just as harsh with themselves too - there's an important connection between self-judgment and how we lead. In this blog, I'll explore the invisible thought patterns that limit even the most accomplished leaders - and how to shift them.

"I know I'm too hard on myself, but I'm really supportive of my team (and my friends!)"

It's something I've heard from several clients over the years - and it always makes me wonder. Can we really be both?

Can we be harsh with ourselves yet genuinely supportive of others? Or is there an important incongruence there at some level?

The Invisible Patterns Holding High-Achieving Leaders Back

What holds high achievers back is rarely a lack of skill or effort. It's the invisible patterns quietly running in the background - the habits of thought that drain wellbeing, actually limit performance, and strain relationships.

Over the past few weeks, I've been exploring this with fellow executive coach Graziela Cajado-Ogland, using the Positive Intelligence framework by Shirzad Chamine.

Frameworks are a dime a dozen but what struck me about this one is how accurately it maps onto what both Graziela and I have seen ourselves for years in coaching.

Having listened to many hundreds of leaders reflect on what's really getting in their way - it's uncanny how well these fit.

The Six Saboteur Patterns We See Most Often:

🥇 Hyper-Achiever - your worth is tied to results

📊 Hyper-Rational - all data, no space for emotion

🙈 Avoider - peacekeeping mistaken for success

🤝 Pleaser - saying yes to everything (and thinking Consensus is Success!)

✅ Stickler - perfectionism that judges everyone

And sitting above them all: The Judge - that relentless inner critic.

How Self-Judgment Affects Your Leadership

We have around 50,000-60,000 thoughts a day, and up to 80% can be negative. When we ask clients what proportion of their self-talk is critical, they often say 60%, 70%, sometimes more. That inner Judge isn't private; it leaks into how we see and lead others.

You might think you're hiding your self-judgment, but your team feels it. And it works both ways - research shows that people who are harsh with others are usually just as harsh with themselves (1).

The Achievement Trap

"But what am I supposed to do - let go of my standards?"

It's a fair question, and one I've asked myself.

Because let's be honest: organisations (and society) rewards the Hyper-Achiever and the Hyper-Rational. But the very traits that get you recognition can, over time, make your team feel like they are just a means to an end. Rationality can crowd out key emotional insight and empathy. Drive becomes never-ending pressure.

And beneath all of this lies perhaps the deepest saboteur of all: the belief that your value depends on what you achieve.

It sounds almost noble - until you realise how it subtly shapes everything: how you see others, how you measure love and success, even how you decide who's "doing well" in life.

As Graziela pointed out in our conversation, when a friend isn't thriving in his/her career, you might instinctively judge that in some sort of negative way - not out of arrogance, but because the Achiever Mindset filters everything through progress and performance.

Moving from Judge to Sage: A Different Way to Lead

Truly evolving as leaders (and as friends, partners, parents) means loosening that identification. It means recognising that we are so much more than our achievements.

And of course people don't respond best to judgment - they respond to feeling understood, appreciated, and heard.

This isn't about lowering your standards or suppressing ambition. It's about noticing when your automatic patterns are in charge - and choosing to lead differently. That's the essence of what Chamine calls the Sage mindset: leading from empathy, curiosity, creativity, and purpose.

For many, that means modelling the same compassion for yourself, for example when something goes wrong or you make a mistake, that you already offer others. When you do, your team & loved ones sense the alignment and adopt it (rather than hearing one thing and observing another).

And paradoxically, that's what unlocks our next level of leadership. When you release the achiever lens, you create space for authenticity, creativity, and connection - the very things that sustain long-term impact.

What to remember

• Self-judgment isn't private - it leaks into how you lead

• Six saboteur patterns show up most often: Hyper-Achiever, Hyper-Rational, Avoider, Pleaser, Controller, and Stickler

• The Judge is that relentless inner critic sitting above them all

• Your value isn't your achievement - loosening this opens up better leadership

• The Sage mindset (empathy, curiosity, purpose) beats the Judge mindset every time

🎧 Want to go deeper? If you'd like to explore this more deeply with plenty of examples, listen to my three-part conversation with Graziela Cajado-Ogland on The Executive Coach Podcast.

Frequently Asked Questions

How does self-judgment affect team performance?

When leaders are harsh with themselves, it leaks into how they lead others. Your team senses the incongruence between what you say (being supportive) and what you model (self-criticism). Research shows people who judge others harshly typically judge themselves harshly too.

What is the Judge saboteur?

The Judge is the relentless inner critic that sits above all other saboteur patterns. It's the voice that maintains harsh standards and critical self-talk. Studies show up to 80% of our 50,000-60,000 daily thoughts can be negative, with many leaders reporting 60-70% of their self-talk is critical.

Can I maintain high standards without self-judgment?

Yes. This isn't about lowering standards or suppressing ambition. It's about noticing when automatic patterns are in charge and choosing to lead differently - from empathy, curiosity, creativity, and purpose (the Sage mindset) rather than criticism and pressure.

What's the difference between Hyper-Achiever and healthy ambition?

The Hyper-Achiever ties self-worth to results and achievement. Healthy ambition pursues goals whilst recognising that your value as a person exists independent of what you achieve. The latter creates sustainable performance; the former leads to burnout and strained relationships.

Sources:

1. Blatt, S.J., D'Afflitti, J.P. and Quinlan, D.M. (1976) 'Experiences of depression in normal young adults', Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 85(4), pp. 383-389.

2. Tseng, J. and Poppenk, J. (2020) 'Brain meta-state transitions demarcate thoughts across task contexts exposing the mental noise of trait neuroticism', Nature Communications, 11(1), p. 3480.

3. Chamine, S. (2012) Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours. Austin, TX: Greenleaf Book Group Press.

About Maya Gudka

Maya is a C-Suite Leadership & Career Coach and host of The Executive Coach, a top 2.5% podcast globally. She specialises in helping high-achieving leaders gain clarity on their vision, master the unwritten rules of career success, and design a sustainable approach to ambition.

To find out more about Maya you can connect with her on LinkedIn.