The Game-Changing Question Every Busy Couple Needs to Ask

This is the transcript of The Refreshing Leadership Podcast episode: The game-changing question every busy couple needs to ask, published on 13th July 2026.

Last week I was joined by executive relationship strategist Katarina Polonska, and we talked about something that has a huge impact on leadership performance and overall quality of life, but doesn't necessarily get spoken about in leadership spaces - and that is the quality of our intimate relationships, our partnerships, our marriages.

In today's conversation, we take that one step deeper. We talk about the different dynamics that can emerge between ambitious partners, the hidden tensions that can emerge in dual career households in particular, and why so many couples drift into parent-child dynamics. We also talk about something super practical - the idea of relational hygiene, tiny but important practices or rituals that can stop resentment or distance from building up over time.

I think this is going to be a really good addition to what we set up last time, and give us some really practical things to walk away with. I hope you will share this episode with your partner and have a go at some of these practices.

We're looking for the things that can refresh our leadership at work, but we're also looking at the things that are going to refresh our overall lives. Building in a few of these practices ahead of time - perhaps at a time when your relationship is actually thriving - could be the thing that really makes it robust and protects it going forward.

Katarina, welcome back to the Refreshing Leadership Podcast.

Katarina: I'm glad to be back. Thank you for having me

Gender dynamics and the dual career household

Maya: Last time we talked about some of the typical dynamics that can emerge, and one thing I wanted to ask you more about was the differences you see between the genders when it comes to this relational stuff. You described the scenario of the male founder with the stay-at-home wife and kids, and how people can feel quite trapped in everything they have created. What do you see from the female perspective when you're working initially with the woman in the relationship?

Katarina: Great question. It's interesting because I see very similar patterns. One of my arguments in all of the gender work I have done academically is that yes, there are socially constructed differences, but at that very human level we're quite similar. There are so many similarities.

The women I tend to work with are often in a similar role of being the breadwinner - or actually, I'll correct that. The women who come to me initially are very often the main ambitious breadwinner type, and then later down the line their partner will work with me as well. But the women who voluntarily come to work with me are typically breadwinners - the responsible one in the relationship, really carrying that mental and emotional load of providing for the family, thinking through the finances, managing all of the logistics, navigating the kids and the domestic space. There is a lot on their shoulders.

And very often, if she is earning enough to provide for the whole family, he will stay home and be the stay-at-home husband or father. There's a lot of work involved there, and actually a lot of challenge from a gender role perspective that he might be going through.

What tends to happen is that because as women we are so conditioned into being the nurturers and the empaths, and then we're in this very responsible breadwinning role, we can end up creating a dynamic - and I say we because I absolutely did this with my own husband - where we start to take charge of everything. In the relationship, in the home, in the workplace, in all arenas. And our partner ends up feeling a little bit disenfranchised.

Maybe they start to lose their sense of purpose. Maybe they start to fixate on the kids and on you as being their main source of joy and purpose. And in doing that, we actually end up disempowering them, and disempowering ourselves, because we end up overextending and becoming this figure who is really carrying everything, rather than giving them the space to carry their own fair share.

That's not to say that raising the kids and staying home isn't your fair share. What I'm talking about more is the question of purpose, and who is actually leading the relationship. We really do need both parties to lead the relationship. Because when one person is leading almost exclusively, you start to get this parent-child dynamic. You have the parent - very often the female, but it can also be the male - doing everything, including leading on the intimacy, the communication, the family holidays, when to pay the bills, everything. And then you get this child-like response in return, where you end up feeling like you've got another child on your hands.

And what often happens is you start to get rebellious behaviours. An interesting trend I see a lot is that the stay-at-home partner might develop an addiction, because they feel lonely, disconnected, without a real outlet or sense of purpose. There can also be a resentment of the primary breadwinner's work.

I had one founder client who told me that the day he had an exit and came home with a cheque for essentially $300 million, his wife took the car, crashed it, got blackout drunk, and was extremely upset. That's not to go into the whole weeds of what was happening, but she had really been neglected and disempowered throughout their marriage. The work was always centre stage, and there wasn't much consideration given to her - she had moved across the country to facilitate his company and his growth, and had very much been left behind in the conversation about what actually made them happy as a family, as a couple.

So you get this power imbalance, and it doesn't work for either person. The person who is leading and being the responsible breadwinner starts to feel tired, trapped, resentful, and starts to lose attraction to the person who's staying home. Meanwhile, the person staying at home starts to become resentful too, because no one wants to date their parent, and they don't have their own livelihood, their own purpose, their own life.

Both people are complicit within it. So it's very easy to say, "I wish my partner had more purpose," but you've helped create this dynamic. It's on you to look at where you have, on some unconscious level, sabotaged intimacy in your life to end up being this leader who is ultimately in control of another person. It's uncomfortable, but we do it. I certainly did it.

What happens in dual career households

Maya: What about when both parties are ambitious working people - as in my case, and probably what a lot of my peers and friends and fellow working parents will find themselves in? Does that dynamic come through, or do you mostly see the more extreme breadwinner and stay-at-home scenario in your work? Because what crosses my path, working with a lot of leaders inside organisations, is probably more the dual career track. Whereas in your founder examples, it can be more extreme because the demands are so high.

Katarina: I see the dual track as well, absolutely. When you have a dual track, similar patterns start to develop. It's less about power imbalance and more about power struggle - a competition around whose work has precedence. I really witnessed this with my own parents, who were both very ambitious, on two separate tracks. In the end, it came down to: what country do we move to? Whose career gets priority? They were both extremely passionate, ambitious people, and at the crux of it, someone essentially had to choose their career over the relationship.

There's also very little breathing room within that to focus on the relationship. My husband is an entrepreneur, I'm an entrepreneur, and one of the things we've really had to structurally integrate into our relationship is non-negotiable windows in our calendar. They're very tempting to override, especially on days when you're back to back and flying the next morning. But we have to have these sacred moments - not just a 30-minute check-in, but multiple hours of really being present, having good relational hygiene, clearing any stuck resentments or bits of baggage that might be accumulating, having deeper vulnerable conversations, and really checking in: are we growing together or growing apart?

That requires, in many ways, more work than if you're in a standard 9-to-5 dynamic where you both come home and switch off. Healthy relationships are not for the faint-hearted. I often say it's much easier to be in a really toxic, unhealthy relationship because you get to check out, float along, let it be toxic. But a healthy, conscious, fulfilling, nourishing relationship really requires you to lean in. And when you're two busy professionals, that adds more work to your plate. But the trade-off is you live longer, you're healthier, you're happier, you actually go on to make more money, and you have a safe space to land - someone to ideate with, to share your thoughts, concerns, visions, dreams, and hopes.

It's much better for you long term, but it does require that discipline. And no one really taught us this. So when I see couples who are very busy and ambitious, structurally living two separate lives and starting to grow apart - that makes complete sense to me. No one ever taught them the importance of relational hygiene, or how to even do it.

What is relational hygiene?

Maya: Tell us what relational hygiene is. How would you define it?

Katarina: I'll tell you what I do. First, you need to know what you're solving for.

Relational hygiene is about recognising: am I projecting anything onto my partner - my own wounds, my own patterns, my own blocks - that is making me not see them or the relationship clearly? That's one piece, and it's really on both individuals to check in with themselves on this.

The second part is: am I carrying any resentment? It's very natural to accumulate resentment over days and weeks. So you have to know - am I carrying anything I haven't said to my partner? Any boundary violations? Anything making me feel a little off, upsetting me, hurting me, or creating a little bit of resistance between me and them?

The third part is: is there anything I need from my partner that I haven't voiced, that they aren't aware of, that I'm not getting?

The fourth part is: is there anything I feel unappreciated for? Something I would really like their validation for, because they don't see it but I would really like them to?

That's a snapshot of four things to think about from a relational hygiene perspective. Then there's obviously intimacy building, communication, and a whole range of other practices. Every couple is going to be different, but you want to start building these pieces into your calendar and your routine, where they become non-negotiable points of connection and clearing. And it might sound like a lot of work, but it really isn't.

What my husband and I do: every two weeks, we have a one-hour relationship practice where we check in with each other. It could be on a walk, or a Sunday morning in bed - anything. We have a structured dialogue we go through to help each other understand: is there anything I need, anything I'm afraid of, anything I appreciate you for, anything I really loved about you in the past two weeks, and anything I would like more of. We go through these prompts, and it's a safe space. We have amnesty at that point - it can be something quite controversial or scary, but we know it's safe.

And then every night, there's a little appreciation practice before bed. It takes about two minutes. We just ask each other: "Is there anything you want to feel appreciated for today that I haven't appreciated you for?" For me, today, it might be that I'm stressed and back to back and flying tomorrow, and I still have so many things to do - and yet I'm still showing up, we still have a two-hour date night tonight, I'm still here and present. I would like to be appreciated for that. For my husband, it might be the stress he has at work. He once told me: "I want to be appreciated for the fact that I even work." He'd much rather be somewhere in Latin America running retreats, so the fact that he's showing up and doing it is something he wants acknowledged. It's a really great little practice.

Maya: I want to pause there because that one really speaks to everything I brought in to ask you about today. When you're sharing the domestic load, raising a family, and very much still in the thick of it with everything else going on, this for me is one of those magic questions that could really do the trick - because it turns something that could otherwise build into resentment into something positive. What you appreciate appreciates. I'm going to take that one away. I think it's going to be so powerful. I'm not someone who tends to carry resentments - I'm very direct - but I do like to be seen and appreciated, and this is such a nice way of doing that. And because I feel that way, my husband will too. I really like it for those reasons.

Katarina: It's a great little practice. I could go on - there are other practices around date nights, and what a date night even includes. You might have very different ideas to your partner. For some people, a date night might be just watching TV together. For another person, it's consciously looking into each other's eyes over a glass of wine. Everyone is going to have their own ideas, so you have to be clear on what date night means to each of you, and on the frequency. People have different needs for connection, and it's very easy for resentment and distance to build when you want date nights twice a week and your partner is happy with once a month - and you never talk about it.

There are also patterns around physical intimacy. Unfortunately you probably have to schedule it in, which isn't very romantic to many people - but I would argue it's actually very romantic because you're making it a priority. And then there's a dialogue around that.

So there are these different pieces and structures that you get to decide on, as individuals, around what's important for you and what makes a happy, healthy, nourishing relationship - and then you get to build those in.

For me, nature is a big part of it. I need to know that at least once a month we have three to four hours of consolidated, deep nature time - off grid, no phones. I live in Vancouver, and that very earthy connection time together matters to me. For my husband, it's socialising with other people. He loves, for some reason I don't quite understand, seeing me interacting and laughing with other people in group settings. I don't have that same need, but he does, so we build it in.

There's a problem-solving, logistical element to this, which I actually quite love - my problem-solving brain kicks in - to create the conditions for the relationship so that when life happens, you have these foundational pieces to carry you through.

The phases every relationship goes through

Maya: That's so lovely. My final question - because I'm conscious of our time - is do you see there being distinct phases in relationships? A phase before kids, a phase when you're really in the thick of it, one after that, contemplating empty nesting and so on. And do you see different things being needed from relational hygiene at those different stages?

Katarina: Great question. There are absolutely stages, and they are fairly non-negotiable stages that every couple goes through.

You have the dating phase. Then the honeymoon phase, where you're filled with a wonderful cocktail of hormones and everything feels amazing. Then you have the power struggle phase - a really normal, healthy phase that every couple goes through - where you begin to renegotiate your own identity, start to assert your real needs, and take off the mask of the perfect version of yourself that you showed up with at the beginning. This often happens after marriage, after you've made the commitment and started to relax. Your real self comes out - your needs, your boundaries, your interests, your need for space. And naturally, there starts to be a tension and a power struggle around, well, who gets to win here?

It's less about winning. It's more about: can we learn to negotiate through this, communicate through this, navigate conflict, and configure our lives so that we're both fulfilled and have a healthy interdependence? The power struggle phase is a really important one where you might want to get help - work with a coach or a therapist to learn these fundamental skills and reconfigure your dynamic into one that's actually sustainable.

And then once you've done that, if you don't break up in that timeframe - and a lot of people will break up - you go into the stability phase and then the bliss phase, where you get all the perks of the honeymoon phase, only now you have two separate identities.

What can happen is that the power struggle comes back. It comes back if you get a new job, if you have kids, if you become empty nesters. Any big change where the status quo is disrupted, where there's growth or transition, means you're going to have to renegotiate your identity and your role within the relationship.

And most people don't have the capabilities to do this well. What they find is that they're in a lot of conflict, a lot of arguments, a lot of tension, and they assume: "My partner's changed. I've outgrown them. We have to break up." That's not always the case. It can be, but it isn't always. So my invitation is to get the help pre-emptively - ahead of time if you can - so that you have the tools and strategies to support you when the going gets tough. Because it will get tough. That's just life.

Maya: That's a great way to wrap this up. I don't know if you read Caitlin Moran, but I always remember something she said - that to all her ambitious high achievers, what she would tell them 20 years ago is that your relationship can have the biggest impact on your career, especially if you have kids. So it's so important, and yet when things are pretty nice and fine, it can be easy to take it for granted and not do the hygiene. This is a wake-up call to remind us that we do need to do some of this work, and to get the help as well.

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. It has been really illuminating, and also just lovely to meet you for the first time. Remind listeners where they can find you and hear more from you.

Katarina: Absolutely. Head over to my website, www.katarinapolonska.com, where you can find links to book a call with me directly, my LinkedIn, my blog, and my podcast, the Successfully in Love podcast. If you want to find me on social media, head over to LinkedIn - type in Katarina Polonska, you'll find me there. Drop me a message and follow my content. You can also find me on TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook. Don't be a stranger - reach out. I would love to hear more about what's going on for you.

Maya: Brilliant. Thank you again for joining us, and thank you for listening today. If this has struck a nerve, or you were thinking of somebody as you were listening who could really benefit, send this to your partner. Make this a couples listen so you both get a chance to benefit and then work on it together. This is one of those episodes that's probably a good one to share. Thanks for listening, and thank you, Katarina. It has been an absolute pleasure.

Katarina: Thank you for having me.

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Head over to Katarina's website http://www.katarinapolonska.com/

About Maya

Maya Gudka is an executive coach specialising in C-suite career progression and leadership development. She works with senior leaders in major organisations on strategic career planning, executive presence, and building sustainable influence. Maya hosts The Refreshing Leadership Podcast, which ranks in the top 2% of podcasts globally and has nearly 300 episodes exploring the challenges faced by ambitious professionals.